WHY?

So let's go back about 20 years ago.


I was born. My parents were happily married for ten years before this. It wasn't until I was born, that problems arose. My dad went bye bye when i was about two. Just me and my mom. My mom was tough. Despite having a child, and a ex husband that never provided for her, who cheated on his taxes to reduce his child support, and still never paid it. My mom did everything for me.

Because of this, this made my life a bit interesting. I was forced to provide for myself from an early age. my mom worked two jobs, meaning i saw her at seven in the morning briefly, and then maybe once more if i stayed up til two in the morning. She also had one day a week off. My days were spent going to school, getting off of school, trying to do my homework alone, and then making a poor excuse for a meal. It was interesting to say the least. I learned early on what not to do in the kitchen etc. But then there was that one day a week, where I would be happy. Mom was home!

This went on for a few years, until i was about eight or so, my mother met my soon to be stepfather. He was great! They were married after about a year of dating, and moved in etc. I had someone else now! My stepdad was amazing, always a friend, and disciplinary when he needed to be. But most importantly, he was down to do anything for me and my mother.

Around this time, I got into skateboarding. Seeing some locals at my school, then about eight years older than I, i soon began to save for a skateboard. It took me four months of saving every penny, but i finally reached the victory of my first skateboard. I now had something too look forward to in life, as crazy as that sounds, everyday I skated, soon becoming very good friends with the older bunch of kids at the school. I was like a little brother to them. I became such good friends with them, that I began to have troubles socializing with people at school.

School was intersting to say the least. I hated and loved every second of it. On one side,there were the accidemics. Here i vowed that i would do everything in my power to make something of myself, and someday buy my mother anything and everything that her heart desired. I felt that she had worked so hard for me, that I needed to learn everything i could. On the other side of the school spectrum, were the kids. I hated this aspect of school. Kids just seemed so mean. I was never "cool" in grade school. I never had the best toys, or stories, or birthday's or what not, in fact, i can safely say that i never once partook in any type of birthday invitations for from any of my school mates. In fact, i'm pretty sure they hated me. No one skateboarded, no one cared about it. So i was outcast. But, for some reason, I never cared what they thought. Not once ever. A popular kid would say I was dumb, or waisting my time, or what not, and I just didnt care. I had bigger and better things to worry about, like a father I hadn't seen for years, or a mother working her ass of. It didnt bother me. Instead, I became better friends with the skateboard crowd. None of them were in grade school or middle school, and some of them were graduated. Most people would say this is unhealthy, but I can tell you know, those guys were the best influence I have ever had in my life, besides maybe my mother and stepfather. They treated me like a brother, and would teach me the ways of life.

I was a good boy, on the other hand, i wasn't perfect. At times, i lied to my parents, something i'll never be able to get over. Sometimes I hated people, sometimes i envied them.

So i turned twelve, and all of a sudden my father wanted to take a part in my life...

This was huge. I hated him. hated.

It would take years of pain between me and my father until we would walk on any type of common ground, and today, what we do walk on is of a very fragile foundation. Life was different having two families, i hated it. For this, i began to become very isolated. It was this time, i figured out that I had not only problems, but medically caused problems. I'll save the details, but soon I was forced to rely on medication to balance my emotions. This was a huge struggle for me, to this day, every time my dose changes, I have a lot of trouble sleeping. On top of this, i soon began to hide this. I thought it separated me from people. This was simply because of the fact that people did not understand the circumstances of many disorders and only relied on incorrect stereotypes. It was also around this time, that i began filming. FIlming everything and anything, it was my alternative reality, and i loved it, more than reality itself. I hated reality. I still was socially retarted in school as well. I began to just pretend to have a social life.

While i'm at it, i'll throw in the drumming bit. Since age three my mother put me into drum lessons to keep me busy, I fell in love with drumming at a young age, and having a musician for a step dad made it even more passionate. I drummed sometimes up to ten hours in a day. I thought that i also might be away to succeed and someday allow my mother to have anything she wanted. Anyway, back to junior high.

Junior high was horrible. I don't think I ever made a friend all year, minus my few younger skateboarder friends. All i did was do homework, skateboard, drum and film. Nothing else, i don't think i said more than ten words to anyone at any one time that year.I twas crazy. It wasnt until my sophomore year that I actually began to find a few friends. Suddenly, not caring about the people around you was an admiral thing, and soon i began to become someone that everyone liked, but noeone really cared to really be friends with. THis was fine with me, it was more attention then I had ever had in my life, and I could focus on pushing my self and growing up faster, without having to waist my time hanging out with friends.

I had it in my mind, that I would be better off if I grew up as fast as possible. I desired this so much, that I actually moved out the end of my junior year. I wanted to be 100 percent self sufficient. This is where my major mistakes occured. I now become one big ball of stress.

I worried about rent, homework, my job, a gf if i had one, anything and everything. And for once in my life, my mother wasn't there to make it all better. But somewhere in my mind, i thought I was a burden for my parents, I couldnt allow them to bare me anymore. That year I was the most depressed I had been in a long time. I pushed through past my senior year, and graduation. I was an adult in a childs body, yet I wasn't an adult at all, I still wanted to be a kid, but i couldnt be. My hobbies kept me together though.

I decided that i needed a change, i couldnt move back home because my mother and stepfather had sold their house due to me moving out. I still visited them extremely often, but i Now felt like I could not impede on their new living arrangement. So i contacted my step sister. Yes, i had a step sister, much older than me, but still one i had a great relationship with. They allowed me to stay at their home and I offered to pay what i could. I spent the summer waisting my time, I had a girlfriend i thought i was crazy about. Well, shit happened, and I was left out in the cold. I now had let my family and skateboard friends down for some stupid girl. I vowed from that point on to never allow myself to fall in Love, no matter what the circumstances were. I also vowed to never let anything get in front of my passions and goals. I had choses a new path. One baised loosley out of greed, and my desire to reach my goals. The remaing three months of my summer were the most depressing ones of my life. For the first time in my life, i began to hate everything. Once a very happy person, and chipper about everything ( i mean 100 percent of the time) I now hated everything, I was an asshole. No way around it. I didnt want to be where I was, and i didnt care who knew.

College came up, and everything changed. For once i saw a little glimmer of hope. THings began, and I just kept motivated on my goals, nothing would come before them. I soon lost sight of my family, and anything else I had left behind. I went three months without ever talking to anyone from home, including a family member. BUt i didnt go without a day of working towards my film goals. I say this like something has changed today. Well, not much has really. Save for one thing. So my mom gets sick, and my life flips completely upside down, I realize how good I really have it. I have a life, a gift, the gift of life. For a week straight I swear i didnt talk. I'll i could think about was how i was the one that deserved to be sick, and not her, how she had done everything for me and I had done nothing. I finally broke down and presented this idea to my mother. She kind of chuckled at me. At said, "Logan, I'm fine, whatever happens. The truth is, that you did everything for my life, you ARE my life..." this hit me hard. What kind of a son was I? wanting to bring my mother new cars, houses, things of worldly value, things that ultimately meant nothing in comparison to what I had already given her. I soon realized the gift of having people around you, and that sometimes they are better than life itself. To this day, i still regret my venture to a hasty man hood. Why hadn't I just stayed where I should have been? I talk to my mother everyday on the phone. I have to, its my one happy thing in my day. I've learned that, yes, i have some goals, but sometimes I need to stop and look around at the people I love, and just be glad i'm fortunate enough to have them their.

This was a lesson that took 20 years to learn. And a lesson I will regret not learning sooner for the rest of my life.

I thank everyone for being their for me, and i'm happy to say that despite having no hope for my mothers future, I did recieve a glimmer of hope. Although not a lot, its still a glimmer, that i will hold onto. I won't let you go mother. I promise i'll never lose site of what really matters.

Live each day with purpose. Live each day with love. Live each day.


L.Bear.